5ACV04: Bender's Big Score, part 4
Transcribed by Red_Line and Neosmith92
[Scene: A more or less typical futuristic suburban house.]
Announcer: [voice over] And now it's time for Everybody Loves
makes mechanical grinding noises. Pullback to the crew watching a TV
in the window of the Rook Takes Pawnshop. Zoidberg chuckles]
Even in a depression, the entertainment industry thrives.
Are you okay, Leela?
Leela: Yeah, I'm just a little
down 'cause the only man I'll ever love left me at the altar. Plus I
live in a dumpster.
[angry] You stay out of my dumpster!
hisses and his head fin pops up]
interrupt this episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad to bring
you a special address from Earth President Nixon.
turns toward him]
Please, Hypnotoad, it's beyond my control. No! Don't make me kill
announcer makes gagging noises off screen]
fellow Earthicans, I've just received some really great news. I'm
about to close a deal that will allow us to buy Earth back from
Bender: That'll teach those scammers and
Nixon: Just when things looked darkest, I received
an e-mail from the Andromeda Galaxy. lt seems we've won their
quadrillion-dollar family sweepstakes!
Nixon: And all I had to do was hand over our last
remaining land and water as collateral. So assuming all goes ...
What's that, Agnew? A telegram? [reads telegram] Baroo! There ...
seems to have been some ... We've been scammed again, people. Prepare
to evacuate Earth. I mean, New Scamedonia.
South Street Spaceport]
[Singing] Na-na-na-na, Na-na-na-na, Hey, hey, hey, We took your
Leela: All aboard for Neptune!
Oh, I don't want to go to Neptune. I'll be cold, and heavy.
PE ship takes off]
Thanks for the planet, suckers.
Planet Netpune, as seen on Telescope. The PE ship flys unsteadily
towards Neptune. Cut to interior of very crowded ship. The ship
lands on Neptune and a door opens in the side. People explode out of
It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.
What are you, a whining machine? lf you want to worry about
something, worry about the yetis.
[Yetis growl from outside] Oh, yetis.
you speak yeti. What are they saying?
Amy: I'm not
sure, but it sounds like something to do with... "assaulting the
later, yetis burst open the wall. Everyone jumps, and Leela grabs a
Don't mess with me, you ice-crapping snow-honkies. I just got
Hermes: Sweet yeti of the Serengeti, she's gone
crazy eddie in the head-y.
starts stabbing with the spear.]
in to: Leelu stabbing with her tooth at the glass wall of the tank]
Is that normal?
No. Perhaps if we were to cook and eat her slightly...
Leave her alone. She just needs me to cheer her up. Wanna sword
moans a no, then looks towards the sea, at an orange narwhal doing
flips and spins]
That male narwhal seems to be upsetting her. Get us out of here,
Captain. Full fast ahead.
Captain: Damn whale keepers.
Exterior Neptune cave from view of something walking towards the
boarded up entrance. A boot kicks the door in.]
Santa! We forgot he's based on Neptune.
[Holding a missile launcher] Ho! Ho. Ho... [Drops missile launcher]
Oh, my heart's not in it. I'm too depressed for murder and
Amy: Try some antidepressants. They're
Fry: What happened, Santa?
The scammers cheated me out of my naughty list to use for
telemarketing. Can you imagine the harm they could do with that
information? I wanted to do that harm!
it. They've gone too far. No more running and hiding. It's time to
Santa: Now, let's not resort to violence,
Leela: We're fighting back and you're helping
us, you fat holiday idiot.
slaps Robot Santa]
That hurt. You're on the naughty list!
slaps and backhands Robot Santa multiple times]
President Nixon's cave. The Earth flag falls from the pole and
Leela: So that's our proposal napkin, Mr.
President. We have just enough people and ships to mount a ragtag
Nixon: You wish, missy. Dog-danged scammers
used our money to build a fleet of remote-controlled,solid-gold
body presses a button and a hologram of a solid gold death star
Ooh! I'd take one of those with a side of chili fries.
We're hopelessly out gunned. The force is with us, but that's about
Santa: But we have access to a huge manufacturing
[Scene: Santa's workshop]
[singing] I brought the elves back from vacation, chained them up,
and called my holiday friends ...
Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And the Chanukah
Santa: [singing] Three mad, wise men bearing
murder and frankincense.
Neptunians: [singing] Damn
Santa: [singing] Shut up! Now fetch those bunnies by the
Neptunians: [singing] Says who?
Santa:[singing] Says me! Napalm makes them slightly more harmful. No one
here goes near that door, this toy shop's going to war.
Zombie: [singing] Talmud says "Be slow to anger”,
Low-down scammers got me seeing red. Got my TIE fighter out of the
hangar, jump back, jack 'cause I'm Jewish and I'm
Neptunians: [singing] Ten hut!
Zombie: Dreidl, dreidl I made it out of blasting
Neptunians: [singing] You're nuts.
Zombie: [singing] And when it's dry and ready, For mercy they
will pay. I can't wait eight nights or more, this zombie's going to
Kwanzabot: [singing] Check, check it out
Kwanzabot, in the NeptizzIe-hizzIe. With my inhuman beat box busy
building missiles. They're guided by these cute dancing fairy
figures, careful, little elf, that's proximity-triggered. I'm
fighting back for Kwanza so the children won't miss it. I'm confused
about its meaning but I know it when they dis it. So, Santa
Santa: [singing] Yeah, K?
Kwanzabot: [singing] CZ?
Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Hey, hey.
Kwanzabot: [singing] Let's slay them pimps Come on, pimp my sleigh.
Zombie: [singing] Easy with that toy artillery. Torgo's powder's
deadly but unstable.
Santa: Can they sue for liability?
Santa: [singing] Use as much as you are
Neptunians: [singing] This bites.
Santa: [singing] You signed away your rights when you were hired.
Leela: Now, let's fight.
Santa: [singing] Okay! Chestnuts roasting, I'm
gonna open fire. Prepare for gore galore, this trinity's going to
[Scene: Ice hangar, everyone on Neptune is assembled]
Troops, you are now equipped with the finest weapons magical elves
can build. As for the battle plan...
And now, to present the battle plan, Commander Zapp
Zapp: At ease,
people. I was redecorating my undisclosed location when I received
word of an heroic invasion. Kif, crouch down and shield my thighs
from the cold, for God's sake.
sighs and crouches down]
We fight this battle, not for ourselves, but for our children and our
children's children. Which is why I'm forming a children's brigade.
Will the following youths please step forward? Cubert
Cubert: Here, sir!
Farnsworth: My boy. Oh, God, no!
Zapp: Dwight Slim.
Hermes: You took his name? Oh, God, no! In
[Scene: Nimbus bridge, Zapp is facing a view
screen while the fleet approaches Earth]
the 15th pile of children buys us a few seconds, we will then execute
maneuver 45. Followed by maneuver 44.
Oh, great. Now I have to start back at the beginning with maneuver
Lars: Admiral, will we
stop attacking at any point or is this one of those phony-baloney,
feel-good wars like the war on drugs?
Zapp: What's your
name, smart mouth?
Zapp: Ah, the lovely Leela's on-again,
off-again paramour. Perhaps a suicide mission would knockthe
insubordination out of you.
Leela: Yes, yes, yes.
We're approaching Earth, sir.
Who? Oh, planet Earth. The big blue velor marble. All commanders
stand by. Prepare to transfer battle control to the main
duper-computer on my mark! Ten, nine, eigh---[A Solid Gold
Death star turns visible and shoots the Nimbus]
Does anybody mind if I take command?
Bubblegum Tate: Nah.
Cubert: No, Miss Turanga.
No, I do not.
Robot Santa: No.
Leela: All right. Unit one, acquire target A
ships swoop down and start attacking the Solid Gold Death
[Cut to: The scammers playing a video game on a giant
TV, obviously controlling the death stars]
Yes! Nailed the children's ship.
laugh]Leela: Unit 10, Target H, 16-K. Niner, niner, go
left! I mean right.
55-U. 8-R, 2-V.
Cheating son of a...
Gore's head flies across the screen spinning out of control]
Gore: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Leela: It's hopeless! I
can't coordinate this many ships!
Hermes: Perhaps I can
help! Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battle
Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into
anything. I'm the professor!
makes one of those "I'm the professor, boo-yah!" poses]
Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's brain in action.
Farnsworth finishes hooking up Hermes' jar to the main battle grid.
Hermes starts humming the Futurama theme, as the ships all converge
into a V line and shoot one target]
Gore fires and goes into an Achilles vent on a death star]
Gore: [Flying through a vent firing] Finally, I get to save the
Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.
Planet Express building, the screen explodes, and explosions rock the
Outer space, Robot Mafia car. Joey Mousepad and Clamps stare out a
window, while Joey fires his machine gun at a Solid Gold Death Star]
He's champing for a clamping!
[The Globetrotters shoot
basketballs repeatedly into a net, while one of them operates a
targeting computer. In space, basketballs fly out of the globetrotter
ship on fire, destroying a death star]
musical missile fires from Kwanzabot's sled and hits a death star,
I did it! I saved Earth and won back my woman. Right, woman?
Oh, Hermes, I've been such a fool. Truth be, I married you for your
sexy potato body,but I'm staying with you for your sexy potato
Barbados Slim: You haven't seen the last of
Barbados Slim! Now, goodbye forever.
tries to limbo under a door, but the door closes on him halfway]
viewscreen comes down from the ship]
Nice attack, doo-doo heads. Too bad we have one last trick up our
Amy: I doubt that!
Remember this, Farnsworth?
pulls out the satchel containing the Sphero-Boom]
Farnsworth? That's me! My doomsday device! So it was the scammers!
They sawed off my hand and stole the doomsday device.
lt wasn't them. lt was me, Bender. The master criminal!
So what'll it be? - Unconditional surrender?
Nudar: Or totaI destruction?
Nudar: You have 30 seconds. Make up your
Leela: [Melodramatically] Nevvveeeeer!
People, I'm sorry. You've never before heard me say those words, or
even the individual letters that make them up. But I am. And with a
huge amount of modesty, I humbly beg your forgiveness. [Bender pulls
out a satchel of the Spheroboom, opens it, and drops it in the
Axillary Torpedo slot]
Shut up and keep looking apologized to.
[Acting nonchalant] Dum de dum.
presses the "FIRE" button. The Spheroboom launches from a
torpedo tube towards the scammer's ship]
Uh-oh. I have a worrisome shriveling sensation in my sprunjer.
opens up the case to find the rose and the note "You've been
scammed, sweetheart!" from before. The nude aliens scream as the
Spheroboom breaks the glass on their ship then explodes]
Bender, how the Hulk did you end up with the doomsday device?
I was working the long con all along. While sawing off the
professor's hand with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to
think. So I asked myself, "Who could use a doomsday device more?
The scammers or me, Bender?". After several minutes of sawing,
I knew the answer. Me, Bender. So I retrieved the dummy satchel ...
to: Bender catching the dummy satchel from before]
... and as soon as I was out of the scammer's control, I pulled the
of Bender putting the fake case in the safe and stealing the real
Bender stands on a podium and speaks to everyone. Happy 3008 banners
are strung above people sitting at tables. Bender also appears on a
And that's how I saved Earth and am the greatest.
Nixon: Bender the robot, I'm proud to present
you Earth's highest award for swindling. The Dirty
Bender: I'll aways treasure it and
immediately hock it.
to: Lars putting Hermes head on top of his body, with a few snaps]
There, your body's good as new. Just pop in an executive suppository
sees Leela nearby and walks off]
tries to hold back tears]
What is it?
It's supposed to be a celebration, Leela. I mean, come on.
Leela: I can't help it. I was
gonna be married. I was so happy.
Fry: Well, maybe
you'll meet someone else someday.
Leela: No, you don't
understand. Lars is the only man I'll ever love. I know it in my
Fry: You remember when we first met?
Uh-huh. lt was right there in the cryogenic lab, eight years ago
Fry: Meet me there in five minutes. It's
Fry's boat in the Arctic]
Why are you so sad, Leelu?
orange narwhal is still following them, flipping and spinning]
Him again? [sudden realization strikes] Wait a second, are you two...
takes the plunger off his head]
Atanarjuat, Fufu, come here! We have to set Leelu free.
Dang. I never should have quit my job at the casino.
Me, neither. But she needs what'll make her happy, not what'll make
and Fufu open the top part of the cage, Leelu swims around and jumps
out into the open sea, then crosses teeth with the orange narwhal as
Fry looks on sadly]
Fry: Goodbye, Leelu.
[Fade in to Leela
looking out the Applied Cyrogenics building. Fry and Lars walk in]
Lars: I don't
much know about frozen heads, but, of course, if it's Mahatma Gandhi,
Lars: I... I really have to go, I...
Fry, was this an idiotic trick to get Lars and me back
Fry: Quite idiotic. But you don't need to be
an idiot to see that you two belong together. And, Leela,I want
what'll make you happy, not what'll make me happy.
I'm sorry, I really am, but Leela and I just can't be married.
Why not? You obviously love each other. What are you, cousins?
Fry, you deserve to know the truth. It's because...
[Nudar walks in the
doorway, holding a laser]
Leela: Nudar! How did you survive the doom
Nudar: My doom-proof platinum vest absorbed most
of the radiation. In retrospect, I wish I'd been wearing doom-proof
pants, but you know us nudists. Now give me the time code!
I don't have it! Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt.
points his gun at Lars]
Lars? He doesn't have it. He never had it. Fry had it!
But Nibbler heat-blasted it off my butt! I want to stress that
Nudar: My throbbing sprunjer says otherwise. Now
where is it?
Lars: I'm not afraid of you or your
expensive gun. Go ahead and shoot.
Oh, yeah? Then what if I kill the woman you love?
Don't you understand, numb-neck? He doesn't love me!
I've... always loved you. Don't hurt her. I'll give you the code.
walks over to the cryogenic tube with the explosive Bender. Lars
opens the tube and tackles Bender and Nudar to the ground. Leela and
Fry run and hide behind a desk]
Four, three, two, one, Boom! [Nothing happens. Bender laughs] Woah!
explodes. The smoke clears to reveal Lars and Nudars' bodies and
parts of Bender.]
smoke clears some more, revealing a rip in Lars' pants and the time
code tattoo on his behind. Leela gasps and looks at Fry.]
Fade to 2012, Fry is shaking hands with Captain LeRoy. Fry leaves
the ship observed by Bender, and gets out of a Taxi in from of a
decrepit Panucci's Pizza building. He pets Seymour and enters the
building. A moment later Bender crashes down in the street.]
[Looking at a picture of Leelu] It's enough just to know you're
Fry: [Looking at a picture of Leela and crying]
You, too. It's enough to know you're happy with Lars.
Fry, old buddy! It's me! Bender! [Bender fires his gun]
Fry's room explodes in a ball of flames, Fry's hair catches on fire]
with his hair and parts of his beard burned off stands up and sees
his reflection in the mirror next to the picture of Lars and Leela.
He is Lars]
Fry: I'm Lars!
bursts a side door of the burning building at a run]
Wait for me, Leela! I'll be there in a thousand years.
The building explodes behind him.]
Exterior Applied Cryogenics]
Fry enters the darkened Applied Cryogenics facility to the tune of
Twentieth Century Man. He
opens Michelle's tube, which is set for 254 years. He climbs above
her, breaking off a chunk of her hair and resets the tube for 990
years. Fade to the timer reaching zero and dinging.]
[Scene: Exterior of the Head Museum, 3002. Cut to a sign that says
“Help Wanted: Experienced Feeder”. Dr. Cahill removes
sign. Cut to Lars, with Dr. Cahill in the background, shaking hands
with Charles de Gaulle's head. Close up of Lar's head. Fade to
exterior Orbiting Meadows with a banner reading “Farwell
[On a screen] So I got a job at the Head Museum and waited for the
wonderful day when Leela would arrive. Everything was perfect until
Hermes exploded at our wedding. That's when I learned that, as a time
paradox duplicate, I, too, was doomed. I couldn't put Leela through
that. So I called it off. I'm sorry, Leela.
[sad] I understand.
Screen: That concludes another
silly-willy video will.
Fry: He was a good man,
Leela: Yeah... you were.
kisses Fry on the cheek as Fry smiles]
Well, I guess that wraps everything up in a nice, paradox-free
Bubblegum: Not quite, my wrinkly brother.
Right on! In order for any of this to make any sense at all, someone
must make one final trip back in time to put the code on Fry's ass in
the first place!
Bender: Sounds like a job for me,
tears the tattoo off Lars and reads it]
Zero, zero, one, one, zero, zero...
PE hanger bay. Bender emerges from the trap door]
Fry: You put the time code on my
Someone's ass. Oh, and guess what? I met all these really cool guys
with treasure down in the limestone cavern, so I invited them to
stick around instead of coming up when they were logically supposed
start emerging from the trap door all carrying historical treasures,
eventually filling the hanger with hundreds (if not thousands) of
No! No! Everyone out of the universe! Quick!
eats himself and disappears.]
What's the worst that can happen?
is a rumbling and Benders start exploding. A crack opens in the
Bender: Well, we're boned.
David X. Cohen
Animation Executive Producers: